Fear - a

July 19th - My mom's birthday. I'm not sure Tony realized the day - maybe he did... Friday night, as we were talking - an amazing thing happened. First off, it was for the most part a pretty calm conversation. No yelling(until the end, when every other word was a curse word, and Craig told him he needed to not talk to me that way) - he called me names - but they were more to hurt me, than belligerent name calling. At one point, I realized that I was dealing with more than a brother doing drugs. I'm dealing with spiritual warfare. It was bound to happen. Craig and I have been praying for Tony and Katie for some time. Since about the time they moved to Eureka. I've also been growing closer to God, and that is going to affect the way things happen as well. (but that's another story - for another time)

I think this is my new favorite passage at the moment -
Ephesians 6: The Armor of God

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

19 Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.



12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

My struggle isn't with my brother. I love him very much. I believe that Satan would like to see the love torn apart. Currently, I don't much trust him with my emotions - but God can heal that. Our battle is against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. The battle isn't against Tony - but against the forces that want to see his soul destroyed. There is a great battle going on for him right now- even when we aren't talking. I am praying that God will complete the work he began in him - even before he started attending church in Modesto. Tony met the Lord in High School, and has been running ever since.

Friday night, I saw first hand - what I believe was demonic work. Tony said a few things - that were weird. The whole evening was weird, but when I confronted him on getting into some type of drug counseling, he dismissed it by saying if it wasn't court ordered it was a waste of time. I reminded him again about First Step - he asked, 'through your church?" "yes" And then his face kind of contorted, and his voice was different, "I don't like your church" I don't LIKE your church "I don't like YOUR church" I felt as though Satan himself was telling me that he doesn't like my church. I think that's a good thing - and more the reason to pray for the church...

As typical in many relationships where there is drug abuse - there are boundary issues. (I really need to go to first step on Tuesday) I feel as though God is working in me, and with Craig's help and being in the Word, my boundary's are firm. This is evidenced by the various ways he tries to manipulate - manipulate may not be the right word, but I think he's so used to getting his way - by different tactics, that as soon as one tactic doesn't work - he tries another one. So, Friday's tactic didn't work - he left. Didn't hear from him on Saturday, Sunday he phoned, and is questioning the trust. I'm OK with that, except that there were some implied threats. He doesn't think I'm handling things appropriately. (Although that didn't seem to matter when he dropped Alan off and the kids cleaned everything up - it doesn't seem to matter to him that Deven has pretty much done ALL of the upkeep on the property since before my mom passed away either) He told me he was homeless last night - which he is - but it's really by his choice. He was able to stay with us - he just had to do some things - because of his various issues. The last thing we wanted to do was to enable him. I don't know that he'll ever see it this way.

After our conversation last night - (he said something along the lines - I don't want to get anyone in trouble, I asked what he was talking about and he never really said. - he's either implying a threat, that since he thinks I'm mishandling the trust, that I'm going to get in to trouble - he's started something - or he's going too) I listened, quietly to what he was saying - until he told me he understands me not wanting my kids to live with me. I interrupted at that point and told him he was very wrong, I do want my kids living with me - but they are young adults, and I understand that they want to live on their own. I think he hung up on me at that point. the phone just went silent. I wasn't sure if we lost connection, or he hung up, so I called back - and told him that...(wasn't sure if we'd lost connection or what)it went straight to voice mail. I was sick to my stomach at that point - it was as I was processing this - talking to Craig that I realized what happens is I begin to be fearful. Fear stops me in my tracks. I guess my response is to emotionally flee. Not deal with whatever. When hard conversations come up - I tune out sometimes. When I divorced, I left everything - because of fear of the fight. With the property - I quit fighting for it, because of fear - I just couldn't do it anymore... So now I'm on a quest to see what the Lord says about fear. I find it comforting, in Ephesians 6 that Paul prayed to not allow fear to get in the way of spreading the gospel.